Have You Seen My Childhood?

So, after a relaxing holiday I decided I'd get back to work on my writing. I had gotten a little frustrated and any loyal reader would probably notice that my posts were beginning to get more and more uninspired.
Anyway, today I want to talk about my childhood.
I'm not going to go WAY back - some of it is still painful to talk about, but I'll go into detail as I become more accustomed to sharing personal stories on the Internet.
I wasn't always this poor - when I was a teenager and still lived in my hometown, I went to an expensive all-girls Catholic high school. Naturally I had friends much wealthier than I, and one year a friend asked me and another girlfriend to attend her family vacation to Florida over spring break.
We had so much fun. It was the good old days, days I'll never forget. I will always remember the feeling of having these two girls that I could really let my guard down with. Over the years we drifted apart, but I still check in with them from time to time.
We may have seemed like innocent, 17-year-old schoolgirls at the time, but each night, we really partied hard. The drinking, the recreational drugs, it was like something straight out of a movie - one of the movies that I aspired for my life to be like. One night I met a guy named Drew. He was stunning - tan, broad shoulders, exactly my type. He looked like he jumped out of an Abercrombie catalogue. I assumed he was my age. I ditched my friends for the night and went with him to his own condo, and we had a very...romantic night to say the least. I would say that this was one of my most exciting sexual experiences, and it was one of my first.
The next day, Drew and I parted and I dished to my friends about our night together. My friends had been with Drew's friends talking while I was gone, and it turned out he was not who I thought he was. In fact, he was a 25 year old construction worker who was engaged to be married later that week.

I guess you could say he knew how to drill...ok, you're allowed to groan at that one.

Moral to the story - be careful who you hook up with when you're 17. You might just become an accidental homewrecker.
Sparkles

The Perils of Online Dating

I know it has been a few days since I've used this blog as my outlet so I don't begin to go insane, but I'm back and I might have gone just a little insane.
Well, I finally caved in and decided to try online dating. Bill thinks I really need to get laid and I can't say I disagree.
I can't afford to buy a subscription to any of the trustworthy sites like Match.com, so instead I logged on to okcupid.com and created a profile.
Boy, have I been popular on there!
I'm not sure if I should be flattered or afraid.
I'll keep my loyal readers updated on my adventures to come.
Oh, and if you want to reach out to me on the website, my screen name is sparklesvan.

I Hope I Don't Get Abducted,
Sparkles

Protect Your Home

Hello again,
Today I want to write about mice.
Mice are small mammals with pointed snouts and long tails.
They are usually nocturnal and nearly blind, so they rely on their hearing, because their ears are so big and stuff.
Baby mice are hairless and very creepy-looking.
Some people keep mice as pets.
Some people think mice are cute, and some think they are repulsive.
I found a mouse in my house once, and I felt kind of bad just squishing it with my shoe like a bug. So I decided to keep him a little cardboard box with holes poked in it. He didn't really like me though, because he scratched his way out, ate all my cereal then literally chewed a hole in my wall and now it seems like his whole family enjoys staying in my home and raiding my cereal boxes.

Everyone kill your mice,
Sparkles

A Synopsis of Emma Nelson's Life (And How It Relates To Mine)

Emma Nelson starts out as just a normal teenager who was born when her spiky-haired mother was four-freaking-teen, with an online boyfriend from Africa...or something.
But not an episode of the fine television show that is Degrassi: The Next Generation goes by without something incredibly life-threatening happening.
Jordan, the love of her life, turns out to be a 40-something year old creepy rapist who wants to meet her in a hotel room, and she takes the bait.
In a very un-Degrassi fashion, however, she ends up not getting raped.
Anyway, her goal in life seems to be meeting her estranged father.
She ends up finding him!
And he is in a mental institution because he dropped acid once and jumped off a bridge. He later tries to terrorize Emma and her pregnant mother by following them to their home.

He's Shane McKay!

One time, she embarrassingly got her first period at school. So naturally she starts a campaign to add tampon dispensers to the school bathrooms, the humble beginnings of her hippie-ness and annoying extreme feminism.
However, she starts dating the misogynistic bad boy, Sean.
Emma's mom marries her teacher - well that must suck.
You know what also sucks?
Performing oral sex on the bad boy Jay by the lake in exchange for a colored bracelet and contracting gonorrhea of the throat. Another day in the life of Emma!
And when her new step-dad kisses her boyfriend's mom/school principal.
It's a small world in the town of Degrassi.
Anyway, Emma goes through a bunch of other ridiculous stuff that hardly happens to any actual people in this large of a combination, including a high school pregnancy scare, an eating disorder, streaking at school, and becoming a pothead. Then, her best friend Manny becomes famous and she is never seen in Degrassi again.
She was replaced by more people who go through the same exact things as her!

I find it unfathomable how bad these kids' fictional lives are.
It can't just be one thing - everyone knows you can't be a character on Degrassi without approximately 93482034 horrible things happening to you.

Anyway, I can relate to Emma not because I am a hippie or like chatting with perverts online, but because I didn't know my biological father either.
I didn't know either of my biological parents, actually, as I spent my childhood in foster care.
When I found out about this special thing called the Internet, I tried to track them down, but I gave up shortly after because, why bother?
I was also scared they would be like Shane McKay, to be honest. 

Whatever it takes,
Sparkles

Guess Who's Back?

Diligent non-readers!!!
I want to apologize deeply for taking 3 whole days off from telling you about my life.
I wasn't able to make it to the library because I was really busy with work.
Actually, I want to tell you all about this fantastic book I just discovered, to you readers out there who take your reading beyond your computer screen.
It's called A Million Little Pieces.

Can't believe I'm just hearing about this book!

I just found it in the library today, and wow, it is amazing! It's by James Frey and you wouldn't believe how much this man has been through. He can be a true inspiration to just about anyone! The best part is that this is a TRUE STORY. I found it in the nonfiction section, and apparently he's even been on Oprah and everything. I haven't finished reading it yet, but it sure is a page-turner. Of course, the most impressive thing is that this man really went through all of this; I couldn't even imagine. What a tough life.

Keep reading!
Sparkles

Being Homeless For a Night

Every day is a new adventure for me, it seems.
My toilet started backing up into my bathtub and in a very small studio house, smell can really travel.
My dad was a certified plumber, but he's been gone for years.
So I wasn't really sure what to do. I learn some basic skills at work, but there aren't many jobs involving bathtubs at the school I work at. I can't afford a plumber and still be able to pay the rent this month.
My landlord is on vacation in Fiji and couldn't be bothered. 
I couldn't crash on my best friend Bill's couch, because he's homeless.
The only thing I could do was sit in my disgusting house, or seek the assistance of a neighbor.
Well, obviously I'm not going to ask D for help, because he killed my dog.
So, I tried another house near mine. I'd never seen who lives there before. The house is all painted black, covered in some white spray paint doodles and has boarded-up windows. They were boarded up with cardboard, actually. I chose this house because it actually looked pretty decent! I was sure a nice family lived there.

Boy, was I wrong.  D'jonique slammed the door right in my face.

HEY D'JONIQUE, I JUST PUT YOU ON BLAST ON THE INTERNET. WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

So since I was pretty shaken up about D'jonique's rudeness, I decided to find Bill and see where he took refuge. Apparently, he sleeps under a bridge not too far from my house!
It was a little hard to sleep with all the cars passing by, but at least I had my favorite blanket. Some people stared on, but I figured it was just a glimpse into Bill's everyday life, and it gave me a little sympathy for him and a new appreciation for what I do have - a roof over my head. When there aren't any plumbing problems, of course.
I was even able to get to work on time and smelling pretty decent!
And now, here I am at the library, telling my diligent non-readers my story.

Until tomorrow,
Sparkles

P.S. Anyone know anything about plumbing?

The Importance of Reading

I thought I should bring this to all my my nonexistent readers' attentions:
The Importance of Reading.
I know, I know.
Your Mom and Pop tried to convince you of the same exact thing when you were a kid.
Or maybe you are a kid, and in that case, you probably shouldn't read this because you're currently being taught to be idealistic. And knowing the realities of the world and the lives of people like mine, you shouldn't know that people like me exist.
Anyway, the importance of reading.
Even though I don't have much, I can have my books.
I put aside $12 for my library card and it has done so much for me, including making this blog possible.
Every week I check out a book from the library, and it gets me through the week.
Literature is important because even someone with a limited education like mine can make it in this country with a little motivation.
Books bring me to new worlds, and they help to expand my vocabulary. They do a lot more than school would have done for me.
But, kids, that doesn't mean you shouldn't stay in school (I know you are still reading...kids these days).

Also, kids, LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS!
God knows I should have listened to mine.

Sending my best regards,
(but only to people who read books)
Sparkles

My Dream

Now that I've been sharing my life with you diligent non-readers for a whopping four days, I thought I should share my dream with you.
My dream is to become a writer. A novelist, if you will.
I dream to write the ultimate novel, a fictional tale based loosely on my life events.
Who wouldn't be interested in me?
People are interested in Miley.

I'm getting a haircut, y'all! Please give me more attention, I don't have enough! PS. I wish the paparazzi would give me some privacy :(

 I am blonde too. I can sing. Bill says I'm a fantastic singer, and you all know Bill is the voice of reason in my life.
But first and foremost, I am a writer (after being a janitor, of course).
Ray Bradbury once said, "You must stay drunk on writing, so reality cannot destroy you."
If I focused on my life at this current moment, I would probably be drunk on something else.
So, my friends, stay motivated, strive to reach your goals, tell your friends about my blog.
Use art not only as an emotional outlet, but as a way to keep you from going insane.
My book will be free on Amazon.com for Kindle readers one day in the near future.

Until then,
Sparkles

Unfriendly Neighbors

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's my next-door neighbor.
My dog Peppy was my best and only friend, besides that homeless man named Bill. 

Such a sweet creature.

She had been with me through everything. We ate together, we fell asleep in front of the TV together, we walked together every day. She was there when I got my first job as a janitor at a local public high school. So when someone decides to take my best friend away from me because she ran into his yard, it makes me a little angry.
I don't tend to hate people very often, but my neighbor is an exception - we'll call him D.
D looks like a frail old man, but he packs a mean punch. He also has this turbo-charged lawn mower that he threatens passers-by with by the hour.
This was one of those days when D was really feeling on-edge. Peppy and I had just finished our daily stroll, and Peppy saw an albino squirrel in D's yard. I mean, come on, how often do you get to see albino squirrels? Naturally Peppy started to chase it.
Well, D wasn't too happy with my dog on his property. We'd already had a shaky past, one involving Peppy, so D wasn't going to be lenient this time.
D attacked Peppy with the lawn mower, and, well, it's hard for me to go on.
Anyway, if your neighbors are friendly and welcoming, congratulations!
And if they're not, here's hoping they didn't kill your best friend.

Wishing you, your neighbors, and your dogs well.
Sparkles

The Glass Ceiling

So it has come to my attention that I need to get a new job. But then I was watching Lifetime on one of the TVs at the Sears by the school I work at. And there was some old chick on TV who started an extremely successful escort agency because she couldn't get promoted at a hedge fund she worked at after 5 whole years, and she went to college and everything. And that's when I realized - I'm a woman. Who is going to give me a decent job? I'll be a janitor forever. It's a tale as old as time. Studies show that women still make less money than men. What is this, the stone age? I got my GED and everything, but I can't even get a job as a secretary because I type too slow. It's just that I post to my blog from the local library computers and I don't want to bother the old people sitting in here reading their books with loud typing. So, I'm used to typing at a slow rate.
Anyway, I'm thinking about getting into the acting business. My friend Bill says that I have "the look," which may explain the stares I usually get from strangers every day. I can also read pretty well, which is a plus. I hope this works out because I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent this month.

Until tomorrow,
Sparkles

The Diner

Another boring day in my life to be documented.
This morning I found a viral infection on my foot, but I'm not sure where to find a doctor around here. I guess I'll worry about it another day.  
I went to work, which was the same old thing as usual.
Often times I'll visit a small diner near my house after work just to check out what color the eggs are today. I sat next to my homeless friend, Bill. I'm not sure why homeless people are always sitting at diners. Maybe it's because he uses the heat from the grill to keep warm in the winter. Bill also has an affinity for cocaine, but that's another story.
Bill turns to me and he's like, "Why is your hair all green?"
To which I replied, "I don't really know."
I think it could be from the chemicals I use at work, but I can't know for sure. After all, I'm just a jan - sanitation engineer. Oh, we've all seen that Dave Chapelle movie. I'm a janitor.

 

 

 

Don't lie. You have seen this movie before.

Anyway, sometimes I soak my head in the mop bucket when my hair is starting to smell. It's not my fault my shower hasn't been working. A little sponge bath at work and I'm good to go.
So I ordered a sausage, which Bill didn't want to share despite his homelessness. I guess he's a picky eater.
And then I went home, where I am now, to tell my diligent non-readers about my day.

Until next time,
Sparkles

A Great New Idea!

My opinions are important, y'all. I swear!

Today, I have decided to take a more pathetic approach to my already pathetic life by starting a blog that no one will read. The interesting part is I imagine that one day someone may care what I have to say.
This phenomenon is known as the "blogger effect," which can be defined as "no one realizes you have to have something special happen to you for people to actually read what you post online." 
For example, you could be famous for unknown reasons, like a Kardashian. Or, you can get hit by a bus and live to tell the tale. 
You can't just be really good at spelling, like me. 
You also usually need to have good jokes, unlike me. 
Today, I tried to make my roommate laugh. Then I realized I live alone - it might be because my name is Sparkles.

I live alone on the bad side of town, a place where a new trend of "Thou Shalt Not Kill" signs are abundant in front of my neighbors' homes and yet few people acknowledge them, it seems. I live next to a man who once killed my dog with a lawn mower. It was also a Monday, so you know, that always sucks. I decided to forgive and forget, but it might be because he held a gun to my head when I got all in his face.
My hair has also turned green for an unknown reason and I woke up with my nails painted orange, which would be fine on any other day, but the orange color doesn't seem to be coming off. Ever. Essentially, I am the troll living under the bridge. But don't let that stop you from reading on day by day about my super exciting life.
 

Until tomorrow, when I tell my diligent non-readers about the mishaps of my day.
And there will be mishaps.

Sparkles